Epilogue (Part the First) ...

Before I start, I would like to commend the people working at the Delta counter at Reagan Airport for their ability to go on break. They make Houdini look like an amateur. Good thing I arrived early. Also, if you ever approach security and there are three lines, with the middle being slightly longer than the others, take the middle line. Trust me.

Now…

It has been almost 6 weeks since my last post.
Don’t worry…everyone is ok.

Spc. and Mr. are quasi-settled in their new digs outside the capitol. There are boxes in semi-orderly stacks throughout the house and neatly folded (really!) stacks of packing paper located strategically throughout.

What follows will be a stream-of-conscience ramble that will cover the last days of Boot Camp for Spc. McFlute and the weeks that have followed. My next post will redefine the purpose and direction of this blog. I will write it when I figure out what that will be.

I left you in Mississippi. I’m sorry. What a lame place to be left hanging.
On Wednesday, June 3, I met Spc. McFlute’s parents in the Atlanta airport. For those of you who have never been to the Atlanta airport, my advice is to avoid flying American, Delta, and Air Tran. You will most likely be routed through Atlanta, even if travelling from London to Paris.
The hookup was strangely smooth. The folks were where the airline said they would be when they said they would be there. Who would have thought!

Side note: Women (and men) over 40 shouldn’t wear short skirts, and people in ships shouldn’t throw stones.

Mr. Spc. McFlute and the folks made the quick trip from Atlanta to Columbia,SC (the site of Spc. McFlute’s temporary imprisonment) and settled in to a large, partitioned, hotel room. It wasn’t time for bed, so we drove down to Fort Relaxin’ to TP Spc. McFlute’s barracks.
A word to the wise: If your wife is in Basic Training and you decide to TP her barracks don’t tell the guard (civilian guard, incidentally) at the main gate what your real reason is for going on base.

Side note: This feels like a different lifetime. Having had the Spc. around for the past number of weeks has almost made it seem like she never left.

At any rate, the decision was made to get some sleep.

The following day (Thursday, June 4, if you’re keeping track) was Family Day. This day was designed as the final test for the new soldiers. They were given limited freedoms during the day, only to have them snatched away at sunset. The McFlute family’s Family Day experience was indescribable. I’m sure you can only imagine the delicate emotional balance one must walk on a day where one will see one’s wife for the first time in over 2 months, meet several men whom one would like to maim, or at least kill, listen to and pretend to applaud speeches given by the very men and women whose incompetence has caused discomfort and suffering for said wife (who now knows how to kill you five different ways in each time zone), and keep one’s in-laws from running onto the field to meet the little girl who can now also kill them in the same number of ways in all the time zones (disclaimer: 3.5 ways are illegal in the Mountain Time Zone, unless you are married). After dealing with/suppressing all that emotion, we had a pretty good day. The day included a picnic by a lake, ice cream at the PX, a bus tour/nap, and a dinner that was supposed to be fancy but would have only passed the fancy test if you were from Oklahoma. This day ended with more misdirection from the SEIP participants. Who would have guessed…

The following day (Friday, June 5) was graduation day. The folks and myself were accompanied by a friend (and now colleague) for this august (not) occasion. Graduation was not as interesting as the Family Day presentation. Family Day began with the soldiers running towards the stands through colored smoke, guns blazing. Those who survived (we all did) were treated to speeches that made you wish you hadn’t. It turns out that it doesn’t take brains to become an officer in the military. Not that some officers aren’t smart.
There is still hope for you, though.
At any rate, graduation eventually ended and the soldiers were eventually released. We were eventually able to leave the base and dine in style at Panera Bread. After depositing our friend (who later in the story will emerge as a central character, as soon as I remember the semi-clever name I gave her) Spc, Mr., and Mom and Dad made our way north for dinner and to send the in-laws home.
In all honesty, their visit was too short. We would have loved to see more of them. It didn’t hurt that they brought cookies.

Saturday and Sunday found the McFlutes taking the long way to Washington DC. Along the way we managed to find a friend in Norfolk (if you think Spc. McFlute had it bad you should hear his story) , a massage, and a bear on the side of the road.

Find out more about the McFlute's week in the Capitol on the Army's dime next time...

Git 'er done!

Mr. Spc. McFlute here, writing from the Days Inn in Forest, MS, on the way to Fort Jackson to spring Spc. McFlute from IET.
As it turns out, they are planning to release her around the time that I am planning to arrive. This should work out well for all concerned. Spc. McFlute, in a 40 minute phone interview on Sunday, says that looking back it doesn’t seem so bad, as long as she doesn’t look too closely.
The “Victory Forge” field exercise turned out to be kind of a dud. Spc. McFlute spent a lot of time trying not to fall asleep. There were two marches of approximately 5500 miles (total), but by this point walking is just walking to a hardened bandswoman like Spc. McFlute. 5 miles? 55 miles? 550 miles? 5500 miles? No difference.
Spc. McFlute was finally able to relinquish her weapon to the proper authorities, after giving it a proper cleaning. Twice. She reports that it is strange not to carry an M-16 everywhere she goes. The connection wasn’t very good, but I think I heard something about feeling vulnerable without an M-16 OR a flute.

The next 10 days promise lots of action.
Thursday is “Family Day.” I have been looking forward to watching a demonstration of “Army Skills” (pretending to apprehend a van of Arab looking actors), and of course to seeing Spc. McFlute. According to the brochure that the Army (through the miracle of subcontracting…they had to find someone who could read and write) sent a few weeks ago she will be granted an on-base pass for the entire day. If all goes well, we (Mr. Spc. McFlute, Mom and Dad Spc. McFlute) will also get to see the platoon get a final (hopefully) smoking at the end of the pass.
Friday is graduation day. Again, if all goes according to plan, we should be able to take Spc. McFlute away, for good this time, before noon. We are also looking forward to the company of SSG Redhead Violin, who will be on tour to Fort Relaxin’.
Saturday and Sunday are travel days, hopefully with a little bit of R n’ R mixed in.
Sunday night Spc. and Mr. McFlute will arrive in the Capital for a week-ish of orientation at Fort Oscar Myer Wiener. A week after graduation Spc. McFlute will finally head back to the Big D for a whirlyball-wind few days of visiting, packing, fluting, and moving.

Whew!

Onward, Upward

Long time, no post. Just remember, no news is good news.

Spc. McFlute is 15 days from graduation. 14 days from Family Day. 13 days from DBFD (day before Family Day). 12 days from...

Spc. McFlute continues to spread cheer and encouragement everywhere she goes and to be a light in a fairly dreary place. In fact, I am told (by Spc. McFlute, no less) that at a recent "Kumbaya Session" her peers expressed appreciating for her good attitude and her sticktoitiveness (not a word). When pressed for a complaint the best they could muster was "You don't swear enough, #*^$%#@."

Monday, Spc. McFlute brought the final PT Test (FPTT for you military types) to its knees. By to its knees, I mean to say that she passed and not by the skin of her teeth. What a relief to have that behind her! Her last big obstacle will be "Victory Forge." I expect this to last from Saturday to Friday. Essentially, Victory Forge is a lot of running around in the woods shooting things, with a few obstacle courses and some ambushes thrown in for good measure.
As I understand it (always dangerous...sometimes I think things would run more smoothly if the folks at Fort Relaxin understood the running of the program the same way I do) , the final few days will be full of paperwork and anticipation.

Spc. McFlute constantly asks me to pass along her gratitude for the torrent of cards and letters she continues to recieve and for the thoughts and prayers that she knows are thought and said on her behalf. The support of friends and family has made this experience bearable for both of us.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...

...left foot, right foot. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Re....

That's how it feels from my end, anyway.
For Spc. McFlute it is probably more like "LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT. LEFT, RIGHT (&%#@@&^)LEFT, LEFT (&^%#^%$#)RIGHT (**&^$#^&%@%@)...."

Get it? People in the Army yell a lot, have limited vocabularies, and have trouble putting one foot in front of the other
(This doesn't apply to SSG. Horn-Stallion, SSG Bone-Star, and 96.3% of the soldiers that I personally know or will meet in the next few months).

 

Now that I have that out of my system put that out there for later elaboration, on to the news of the day.

The Rockets win in convincing style!!
(I won't be convinced until they do it two more times).

Also, Happy Mother's Day, Mom (and moms). If you haven't called your mom yet, and you live on the West Coast, I hope she does too.

The news from Spc. McFlute has been sparse. Today I was graced with a phone call that lasted all of 52 seconds, and for the last 12 seconds there was a woman in the background (a Self-Esteem Improvement Program participant) yelling "Yo time up! You bess hang da phone-dup!"
Cleary, an attractive and articulate woman who is not working through any frustrations from a neglectful childhood or current frustration at her position in life or lack of friends.
The information that I received indicated that Spc. McFlute had information to pass on to me (Mr. Spc. McFlute, at your service, unless you actually need something, much like Army recruiter and personnel officers) regarding her exit from Initial Entry Training. Spc. McFlute indicated that because her phone time for Mother's Day (there are no mothers in the Army, only...nevermind) was severely curtailed, she would be enclosing said information in a letter that she would drop in the mail on Monday morning.
Excellent! That letter will probably be here to greet her when she arrives in the home city of the 2009 NBA Champions (as long as the Mavericks are those champions...) on or around June 14. I am confident in making this prediction because I received a letter on May 9 that was written on April 30, posted on May 1, and postmarked on May 6. Spc. McFlute sent that letter "overnight," so I did a little math, carried the 3, and arrived at the conclusion that a normal letter would take between three and four weeks to travel a distance that could be walked in one or two weeks.

Spc. McFlute should have finished the second of three phases this week (I would include a link to show what WHITE PHASE consisted of, and what BLUE PHASE entails, but it looks like the Army forgot to pay the Chinese again for their domain rights and the Fort Jackson website is down again) and will be (I assume) moving on to the third and final phase. Spc. McFlute qualified on the shooting range and continued to improve at her PT. The BLUE PHASE includes two overnighters (the first starts tomorrow, from what I could hear over the wounded SEIP participant yelling in the background, and is three days of maneuvers in the field and the second will be in two weeks and lasts an entire week), the PT test, and graduation (God willing).

Spc. McFlute, from what I can gather, is still physically doing fine but is getting pretty frustrated with the inconsistency in the allowance (and promised allowance) of liberties and in the application what she was led to believe were the standards in decorum, excellence mediocrity, and personal interaction. Nothing shady is going on (that I am aware of) but the SEIP participants are extremely inconsistent in the ways that they instruct.
I hope that there is some kind of law against SEIP participants becoming parents, but the following exhortation from Paul the Apostle can be applied to all of those in positions of authority:

Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become disheartened. (Col. 3:21)

Now, if someone would just teach those SEIP SOB's how to read...

I think that I have done a pretty good job of hiding my frustration in this post, but, seriously, I find this process to be pretty frustrating. I am (very occasionally) convicted, however, that God is sovereign, and I am dumb.
Because of my faith, it is not logical to worry or be angry, yet often my first reaction to frustrating situations and news is anger, rather than confidence. I have confidence that Spc. McFlute and I are in the place (places, unfortunately) that God would have us be at this stage of life and that we have good things to look forward to. We also will be given the strength, patience, love, ninja skills, or whatever is necessary to cope, to His glory, with whatever situation we may be put in or through (hopefully, through).
Mr. Spc. McFlute would do well to keep this in mind and react based on faith and reality rather than fear and emotion.

Uphill, both ways...

Today was a good day.
We are about one month away from graduation (God willing), over the halfway point, and suddenly the SEIP participants have figured out where the phones are.
That's right.
9 minutes and 58 seconds of uninterrupted (except by static from the ancient pay phone) conversational bliss. Spc. McFlute also talked to her mother today.
There are still a number of things that have to happen, including the dreaded PT test in a couple of weeks, but at least things are happening now!
This week Spc. McFlute qualified on her M16A2, which means now she will move on to grenades, Anti-Tank guns, and the 50 caliber machine gun (the thing that is mounted on the back of the Hummer in Halo). Color me jealous!

Spc. McFlute has confirmed that she is indeed happy and healthy and that her blisters are healing/have healed. There are several long marches in the next few weeks so that is welcome news. Additionally, Spc. McFlute's roommates have shown themselves to be very encouraging to each other, which is an answer to prayer. She says that many of the female rooms are not as fortunate as her room.

This is a quick one, because there is nothing to complain about today.

I will leave you with this question:
Why were the first 25 years of life without my wife so much easier than the last 6 weeks?

No news is...

...still no news.

Yikes! It has been a while since the last post. I guess time got away from me, which I think is good.

As the title implies, I haven't heard from Spc. McFlute in the last several days, which means that this blog will be entirely political I might finally accomplish my goal of a short post!

The Roundup

The most recent news (written 21 April) indicates that Spc. McFlute is doing as well as or better than expected. We really weren't sure what to expect, so I am glad that she is adapting so well-ish.
Spc. McFlute is (as of last week) in the White Phase, which means shooting guns, blowing up tanks, running grenade assault courses...the fun stuff!
She has written that so far her shooting has gone well. So well, in fact, that last Monday the Self Esteem Improvement Program participant (Drill Sergeant or DS, for short) had Spc. McFlute spend most of Monday coaching her fellow recruits. This amounted to lots of walking back and forth on her blistery feet, then doing a trash sweep (more walking) at the end of the day.
Spc. McFlute also had to go to "sick call" (long, Army-esque (inefficient) lines full mostly of sick or hurt people who are seen by DS' as slackers and weaklings) a week ago Saturday. She reported that her blisters had blisters and were turning black and blue (photo). She didn't want to go to sick call, but was required to by her platoon guide (a recruit who is either on a power trip, or learning to be an effective leader, or both...not sure what this guide is actually like).
A number of you received mail from the Specialist that was written during this waiting period.
The end result, other than the mail, was that Spc. McFlute was given a tub and some powder to use to soak her feet each evening (for the infection...see the link above) and permission to wear tennis shoes for a few days instead of boots. The word on the street is that wearing tennis shoes has made life much more pleasant.

Who Is That Masked (Wo)Man?

Spc. McFlute has noted (in a pleased, self-satisfied manner) that she is pleased with the results of PT on her body. There is some slimming here, some tightening there, and in general, an aura of "I could kick your butt to Toledo and back if I wanted to, but I'm in a good mood" when she writes about PT.
She has also indicated a shift in attitude towards PT. She looks forward to it! I guess when there are few positives, one clings to the least of the negatives? At the McFlute household, we are choosing to view it as a paid gym membership that came with a free (albeit somewhat socially awkward) trainer.
Aren't you all jealous now?

Special thanks to the Mrs. Clarinet lady and family for some laughs, dinner, and a muffin!

...but HER aim's getting better.

Wouldn't you know it...the very day that I post saying that I hadn't heard much, I get FIVE letters from Spc. McFlute. The next day I even got a five minute phone call. Now I am expecting everything to relate to "five," somehow. For instance, the $5 footlong that I plan to have for lunch...

Overall, Spc. McFlute seems to be in the middle of a rough patch physically and mentally, but in her letters and phone call the Hope and Joy (and optimism) that form her core were on full display. This is something to be thankful for!

The Phone Call that Almost Wasn't

Spc. McFlute said on Sunday that she hopes (but won't count on) that she will be able to call on Sunday afternoons from here on out. That being said, I almost missed her the first time she was allowed to call. It all started at birth...and then a number of years later, on a recent Sunday afternoon, I was on the phone with Mom and Dad McMaiden-Name (Spc. McFlute's parents...get it?). In the back of my mind, I was hoping for a call from Spc. McFlute, so I had the McCell Phone close by as I reviewed the contents of the novel that Spc. McFlute sent in five separate chapters with Mom and Dad McM-N. Mom McM-N and I decided that we wanted McGoogle (Google) to show us a satellite image of Spc. McFlute's barracks, so off to the computer I went. As we were McGoogling the satellite, my McCell Phone started to ring, and I started to run. Through the door, over the trombone, around the alto trombone, underneath the euphonium, got on the bike, rode past the golf clubs, leapt from the bike...and the phone stopped ringing. I looked at the number and didn't recognize it, which means that it was Spc. McFlute. Of course, I was devastated AND had a big mess to clean up AND laundry to fold (unrelated), all without the help of Spc. McFlute.
Not to worry.
Either someone was kind to Spc. McFlute, or she was very sneaky, or both, because the phone rang again!
As I picked up my aching, dripping body off the floor, I looked at the number.
I didn't recognize it. My heart leapt!
I answered, and it was!

It was Spc. McFlute, for five whole minutes. I will never speak ill of the Army again, because we got six minutes.

Then the stupid Army made her hang up.

If it Doesn't Make You Stronger, You Will at Least Really Smell.

Spc. McFlute says that the PT (Physical Training...remember what I said about acronyms?) has become more difficult. She was getting kind of cocky and trying to run faster than everyone else, but that has stopped!
For instance, the other day, before breakfast, before any sane person is awake, the SEIP (Self-Esteem Improvement Program) participants had the recruits outside exercising. They began with calisthenics (sit-ups, push-ups, underwire, jumping jacks, blackcats, etc.). After what seemed like 6 hours of that (I think it was about 45 minutes...) the SEIP folks decided that a two-mile run sounded like fun, so off they went.
The SEIP participants seriously misjudged the wake-up time and breakfast wasn't ready yet, so they decided to kill some time (and people?) with uphill sprints. Fun. Then slop breakfast, then a full day of training (including what was technically lunch and dinner).
Oops. Guess they misjudged again, so more PT before bedtime. Being the merciful folks that they are, the SEIP people made the nightcap PT somewhat lighter than the morning blend. Relatively speaking.
Spc. McFlute also got in trouble for the first time. I mean REALLY got in trouble. She was guarding her battle buddy's weapon while said buddy was in the little girl's room (that's not what they call it). Spc. McFlute's particular SEIP participant came along and gave her an instruction to "Follow me..." Well, Spc. McFlute did, but forgot about the extra weapon (he also gave her something to carry).

OOPS!

Well, the end result was a stern talking to (not a euphemism), some extra cleaning, and writing a pretend letter to the battle buddy's parents explaining that their daughter was killed-in-action because Spc. McFlute had failed to secure her weapon.

Do Not Be Anxious About Anything...

Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds
in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

This is important for me to remember. Spc. McFlute has been fighting off a cold of sorts for the past couple of weeks and several of her colleagues have developed pneumonia. There have also been various twists, sprains, breaks, breakdowns, and the like. These things will heal, but would probably cause one to miss training for an indefinite period of time. One's care would be provided by the Army.
No...it's ok. You don't need to move. I won't be doing cartwheels. Anything that is "provided by the Army" that is not cash-money doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Call me crazy, but that's the way I see it.

The thing to remember, though, is that God got Spc. McFlute into this "mess" (if you will) and He will get her out, one way or another.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know what I have planned for you,' says the Lord.
'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. ¹²When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, I will hear your prayers. ¹³When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you."

I still miss my wife...

This has been a slow week, in terms of receiving news from Spc. McFlute.
It has been an interesting news week, though. I know YOU are here to keep up with Spc. McFlute (and to assuage your guilt from not writing as often as you intended), but since I've got you, I'll go ahead and offer a little bit of commentary on the some events this week.

Don't scroll past my commentary.

Stop scrolling.

PLEASE stop scrolling.

Fine, skip it if you want to I'll keep it short.

Rick Perry, in an effort to ingratiate himself with "right-wing extremists" (normal people) as he tries to buffer himself against accountability a challenge in the Republican gubernatorial primary from Kay Bailey Hutchison, made some incendiary statements about Federal funding (good) and Texas secession (kind of dumb). The Federal funding comments are good because it is nice to see the Texas governor finally standing up for Texans. The secession comments are dumb for two reasons:

1. His ignorance and willingness to say whatever he thinks it will take is highlighted by the fact that Texas gave up its right to secession when it was unsuccessful in standing up for state's rights during The War of Northern Aggression.
   
2. Only right-wing extremists are in favor of secession.
   

(Spc. McFlute references are imminent ...stop scrolling!)

One of Spc. McFlute's favorite Saturday morning activities is to have Mr. Spc. McFlute to prepare pancakes or breakfast tacos while she listens to Wheels with Ed Wallace. Spc. McFlute likes to start her weekend (or in some cases, continue the work week) with pithy commentary that tends to focus on cars and the energy markets. Spc. McFlute listens to this program from her bed, with the door closed, while she is asleep.
Clearly, one of her favorite programs.
At any rate, as I was listening to this program this morning Ed made an interesting comment on this week's Tea Parties in Texas. He said (and I paraphrase):

"Tea party?!? This is Texas. We should have had a kegger...not only would we have gotten the tax message out, we probably would have gone ahead with Rick's secession!"

At any rate, I know Rick Perry pretty well. He used to live next door to me..or maybe that was a different weasel?

Also, a clip from President Obama's weekly radio address just played on the news. In a 360° turnaround, he is calling for oversight and fiscal responsibility. Sounds great!
Of course, his mouth was moving, and we all know what that means...

Spc. McFlute has, most likely, had an eventful week. Unfortunately, I haven't heard anything about it. I do have some information about last week, though.
Spc. McFlute wrote about a few of the activities that she experienced last week, including the gas chamber, combat maneuvers, and Chapel.

Spc. McFlute went through the gas chamber training exercise on Tuesday, April 7. To give you an idea of just how slowly news travels, I received her impressions of this experience on Wednesday, April 15.
There are a few training exercises that Spc. McFlute has described as "fun." This was not one of them. The words that Spc. McFlute used to describe the gas chamber were "sucked" and "sucked." If you know the Specialist at all, you know that this is very strong language, for her, and that she is pretty hardy. The bottom line is that this was a miserable experience.
The gas chamber training involves putting on a gas mask and walking into a small room full of tear gas (I think). While in the chamber, each soldier must lift his gas mask and say his name. As they prepare to leave the chamber the soldiers form a line, remove their gas masks, and recite the Soldier's Creed, then proceed out in an orderly fashion. Spc. McFlute reported nervousness going in to the exercise, but that the gas mask forced her to breathe slowly and deeply, which helped calm her nerves. She reported a stinging sensation as she lifted the mask and stated her name, but the real misery came when she took the thing all the way off. She was able to take a deep enough breath to make it through the first few phrases of the creed before breathing again. After inhaling the gas, all she remembers is stinging and burning. And leaving. Spc. McFlute got out of the chamber and into the fresh air and began to feel better. She was told to flap her arms and walk in circles. This helped, and prodigious amounts of snot also helped clear out the irritants in the gas. To quote Spc. McFlute:

Once out we walked around and flapped our arms. I continued to spit and snot for another few minutes, but I could breathe okay, so I just hung my head and flapped and dripped.

I think this will be something that Spc. McFlute will remind me of any time I complain of a runny nose.

Combat maneuvers involves learning self defense tactics and the like, and apparently involves lots of rolling around in the dirt.
It also involves practicing movements in slow motion. Spc. McFlute finds this pretty taxing, physically. I tried the slow motion the other day when I was unloading the dishwasher, but somehow I don't think that slow motion practice involves checking Facebook every third plate.

Chapel (on Sunday, the 6th) was described as "A good chance to get letters written, but still a refreshing change." It seems that the world's most compelling speakers have chosen not to become Army chaplains. The message (entitled "Do what you're told, work hard, and, by the way, God and your DS will take care of you") was less than inspiring. Spc. McFlute was still glad for the reprieve and thankful that she was able to spend time in worship and meditation.

On a related note, I was reminded of God's faithfulness and provision through a conversation with family friend Mrs. "Around-My-Parents'-Age-But-Still-Way-Hipper-Than-Me." A timely reminder, and an enjoyable Facebook chat. The Lord does provide for us, and is even kind enough to remind us the He provides for us when we forget. I hope He thinks it's funny, rather than pathetic.
We don't need to try so hard to keep the promises that God makes for Him. He is perfectly capable (and willing!) to keep them Himself, in His own time.

This weekend should mark the end of the first phases of basic training for Spc. McFlute. Basic training is, by the way, divided into three phases: Red, White, and Blue (like the American flag...get it?). I will paste a description of the phases (lifted from the Ft. Jackson website, which is terrible and was last updated just before Al Gore invented the internets) below. Feel free to click HERE for the Ft. Jackson website, and, supposedly, more information. Also, Spc. McFlute's company website, which is just as bad, can be found HERE.

In RED phase, weeks 1-2, soldiers begin the process of becoming a Soldier; learning the Army values; work on physical fitness; learn about communications, basic first aid, map reading, and the military justice system. They also practice drill and ceremony and negotiate Victory Tower. Before moving to the next phase, soldiers must successfully complete a knowledge and skills test.

Weeks 3-5, WHITE phase, soldiers continue Army values and physical fitness. Much of this phase is spent learning, practicing and qualifying on the M16A2 rifle. They will also learn about other U.S. military weapons, chemical warfare and bayonet training. Soldiers will participate in the obstacle course, gas chamber and bayonet assault course and pass another knowledge and skills test.

The BLUE phase, weeks 6-9, in addition to Army values and physical fitness this phase includes individual tactical techniques, foot marches, confidence course, and obstacle course. The culmination of basic training is Victory Forge, a 7-day field training exercise combining all previously taught basic combat skills. Soldiers march ten kilometers to their designated training site to start the exercise, occupy the position and establish a defense perimeter. On subsequent days, Soldiers complete the Teamwork Reaction Course, execute tactical exercise lanes and a night tactical and live-fire exercises. The last night includes a return march to the unit area and a ceremony recognizing the successful completion of this challenging operation - and the final transformation as a Soldier in the world's finest Army.

Incidentally, I sometimes feel guilty about hating on the Army so much, but every time I get a little bit of guilt worked up, they go off and do something else poorly (I won't bore you with the details of how they aren't sure if they have messed up on Spc. McFlute's pay. Suffice it to say that the fact that they aren't sure if it is correct or not is fairly disconcerting on a number of levels). I will say that the one thing they seem to consistently get right is the "mission." There are no fighting forces in the world that have the ability to be as effective or as efficient as the American military, and we as Americans should be thankful and PROUD.

I'll leave you for now with a contest. If you think you can guess the title of the NEXT blog post (and although it is not actually written within this entry, there are several clues, and I think it is fairly obvious to anyone who appreciates understands can predict my humor), leave it in the comments and I will quickly change my mind allow you to send me cookies get an envelope to you so that you can write to Spc. McFlute and tell her that Mr.Spc. McFlute hasn't changed (for the better) yet.

...You start walking mine.

Well, no sooner (than 4 days after) I complained that I wasn't hearing from Spc. McFlute, here came a giant pile of two envelopes containing letters written over the course of Mar 30-April 4. It was a relief to hear first hand (written) that things continue to be just fine, considering.
I have several answers to prayer to share with you:

1. Spc. McFlute's colleagues (and I assume her superiors, but there is no mention of that in the text) have noticed her overall good attitude and have been encouraged by it. A big concern going into IET was that Spc. McFlute's considerable joy would be drained from her. It is great to hear that not only does she have enough joy (or something like it) for herself, but has enough for it to shine through to those around her.
2. Spc. McFlute's sleeping has evened out, except when she has "fireguard." Fireguard means that you either stay up late, get up early, or are awakened in the middle of the night to do your laundry and make sure there is not a fire. I believe that there is also an element of making sure that people are where they are supposed to be (asleep!!), but the main objective is to get your laundry done. As you can imagine, fireguard interferes with normal sleep patterns. Except for this, Spc. McFlute is sleeping.
3. One of Spc. McFlute's biggest concerns before departing and especially after arriving was the nature of the self-esteem improvement program (SEIP) participant assigned to train on her platoon. It seemed that most of the SEIP participants were in pretty bad shape and did their best to make even the most joyful activities (petting bunnies) tedious and annoying at best, and intolerable at medium-est. Spc. McFlute has been fortunate to be assigned SEIP participants who have evidently already undergone some training. Her platoon is still worked hard, but not abused like some of the others have been.

Along those same lines, some of the SEIP participants who are not very far into the training have not perfected the art of yelling. They say things that are...sad, and Spc. McFlute has, more than once, found it difficult to refrain from laughing at their general state of pathetic-ness. It is good that she has restrained herself, because unauthorized laughter (laughter has yet to be authorized in the Army) generally results in "smokings." Not the pleasant kind with cigars and pipes. In the Army there is no pleasure, and thus no cigars.
In the Army "smokings" refer to punishments doled out for various offences, inoffences, accomplishments, failures...in other words at the whim of the overly-emotional SEIP participant. One such smoking was issued because the platoon failed to be made up entirely of men (I think I am making that up).
The coed platoon was made to run up and down a hill with their laundry bags held above their heads. This was moving day, so the laundry bags were filled with all of the earthly possessions of the recruits, as far as the Army was concerned. Upon completion of this smoking, the platoon was made to repeat the task because it would, and I don't quote, "Make men out of you." This punishment was issued by a female participant in the SEIP.
By far, the favorite smoking activity, as of one week and one day ago, was to have the platoon assume the "frontal rest position" and hold it for a period of time. To me, as to those of you who, like me, posses a fairly lucid mind, this conjures up images crawling into bed on one's stomach. However, I failed to take into account that there are few lucid minds in the Army. To the Army, the "frontal rest position" means that you assume the push-up position, but instead of doing push-ups you hold the position. A push-up-fake-out, if you will. Still, it doesn't sound so bad.

Whoa.

Just tried it.

That was the worst four seconds of my life.

Just kidding.
I held it for a minute.
Not pleasant.

At any rate, Spc. McFlute's SEIP participants seem to be making efforts to reciprocally educate the recruits, rather than simply leaching their own self-esteem healing like the others seem to. Answer to prayer.

Spc. McFlute completed several of the biggies that she will have to face during the week that she wrote about. One was the Victory Tower. This is basically a tower that has several "ropes courses" attached to it. Sounds like fun to me. I didn't think it was the kind of thing that would appeal to Spc. McFlute, but she wrote that it was, for the most part....
FUN!
Google "victory tower" and you should get a better idea of exactly what it is. Your opinion of Spc. McFlute may also change slightly.
Spc. McFlute said she had a little bit of trouble starting off on the "rope slide" (my term). You lay down headfirst on top of a rope that is sloping down. You hook one ankle over the rope behind you with your knee extended below the rope. Your other leg hangs freely and you pull yourself hand-over-hand down the rope. There is a big net below you, but it is WAY below you, and there is not a convenient way to get back to the top. Needless to say, Spc. McFlute was not interested in having to repeat this obstacle. She claimed to have been a little nervous as she got into position (I don't believe it...she has ice water running through her veins), but was able to focus and complete her task. She was pretty proud of herself at the bottom.
Spc. McFlute's platoon also ran a ground-based obstacle course that Spc. McFlute described as "fun for now, but probably won't be when we have to do it 10 times in a row."
She was also issued her M16A2, AKA her "weapon" (NOT "gun"). More on that later, I'm sure.

Over the past week (which I have no information on at this time) she was scheduled to go through the gas chamber. I trust that she and most of her platoon came out without their lunch, but were otherwise unharmed.

I'm sure that most of you are aware that April 15, the day when we all render unto Caesar...I mean Barack, is rapidly approaching. I approach this day with both excitement, and a lot of resentment. Resentment because I am sure that I could have allocated the money that I am instead forced to render (to pay my own wife's salary...how do you like that?!?) in a much more useful way than it will be used by those whose to whom we have foolishly entrusted it.
I am excited because it should (knock, bang, beat, stomp, etc. on wood...this is the military we are talking about) be Spc. McFlute's first payday. It is also possible that I will received a letter from the aforementioned Specialist.

Speaking of letters, Spc. McFlute has received an avalanche of them from a number of you. She wants me to share her appreciation and apologies that she isn't able to write back more thoroughly or quickly. She also wants me to communicate that she hasn't been smoked for getting too many letters, but the SEIP participant in charge of Spc. McFlute's platoon has enjoyed frisbeeing any cards that she has received in her general direction. I'm not sure what that means, but if he's looking for a fight, I'll be there in 52 days, so one of us better start working out...

Retraction/Correction...

Spc. McFlute's address was incorrectly communicated to me. The correct address is:

McGinness, Elizabeth
C Co 1-61 INF
3rd Plt. Wolfpack
Fort Jackson, SC 29207

I am told that she is able to receive mail sent with the old address, but that it is best to begin using the corrected address as soon as possible. I am also told that she has not had to do push-ups in order to receive her mail...so far.

I'll start walking your way...

Well, I've done my part. I've sent some letters.
Turns out, so has Spc. McFlute. Miracle of miracles, I've received them! I don't have confirmation that she is receiving mine, though. I imagine that if she wasn't the next letter would be somewhat irate, and since Spc. McFlute is learning to shoot an M16 and throw grenades, irate is the last thing that I want her to feel!

This weekend, when I did the laundry, I felt an extra keen sense of loss, especially as I started to fold the laundry. Anyone who knows Spc. McFlute very well probably knows how much Mr. Spc. McFlute doesn't like to fold laundry. Fortunately, Spc. McFlute is very gracious in accepting and dealing with this character flaw in the Mr. Unfortunately, Spc. McFlute is not currently available to help Mr. Spc. McFlute deal with this for the next 58 days. Hence, missing.
By the way, as I was folding voraciously the other day (so that Mr. Spc. McFlute wouldn't discredit Spc. McFlute in front of Mr. and Mrs. Massensoon (pseudonym) who probably don't actually care about such surface-y things) I thought of a chorus written by the great rural poet, Dwight Yoakum. It goes something like this:

The only time I feel the pain
Is in the sunshine and the rain
And I don't feel no hurt at all
Unless you count when teardrops fall
I tell the truth 'cept when I lie
It only hurts me when I cry

Now for the information that you are actually seeking...

Spc. McFlute!
The latest news that I have is over a week old at this point. It seems that the US Postal Service and the US Army have combined their powers to become a behemoth of inefficiency. It takes letters almost a week to travel a distance that would take two days to drive yourself, with your grandmother and 4-year-old niece along for the ride (I am saying that this is not a long drive, considering...).
Spc. McFlute says that she is sleeping better, especially better than the first night at Fort Relaxin', when she and her sisters-in-arms were not permitted to sleep. Whether this new found ability to sleep comes from sheer exhaustion or a greater confidence in her abilities, or both, I can't say. We should all be glad that she is sleeping, whatever the reason.
Speaking of refreshing, at some point in the past someone with impact on training policy had a rare moment of clarity and used the part off their brain that God gave many civilians, but seems to have forgotten to give to soldiers, to decide that it would be a good idea for trainees to attend a chapel service and Bible study, if they so chose, on Sunday mornings. Furthermore, this person, going WAY above and beyond, thought that it would be a good idea if members of the Self-Esteem Improvement Corps did not attend. I believe that one has the option to skip chapel and spend Sunday mornings cleaning the latrines if one so chooses, but I understand that this is not a popular choice.
At any rate, Spc. McFlute did attend the chapel service and Bible study on Sunday and found it to be a tremendous source of encouragement. What a blessing! She also was able to confirm suspicions that she is not the only believer in the Army.
In a more typical display of Army thinking, Spc. McFlute was given a survey on the effectiveness and efficiency of the Due Processing Facility in Dallas that included a space for her to leave an e-mail address for follow up. The two problems with this are probably already apparent to astute readers: first, who would be dumb enough to think that there is any efficiency or efffectiveness within the Due Processin Facility, and second, don't they know that folks working as Self-Esteem Improvement Corps fodder don't have access to e-mail?
Well, Spc. McFlute, being the resourceful soldier that she is becoming, did fill out the survey and was crafty enough to use words that the screeners wouldn't understand, like "incompetent" and "really dumb" and "feckless." She also craftily and selflessly gave my e-mail address as a resource for follow-up. She didn't want me to miss out on the fun! Such is the grace and generosity of Spc. McFlute.
While we are on the subject of military intelligence, I have been informed that there are 17 crucial steps to putting on a uniform. I decided to compare this to the number of steps it takes took to go to a gig the other day.

1. Stop watching the golf tournament
2. Put on your pants
3. Stop watching the golf tournament
4. Put on your shirt
5. Put on your socks, shoes, and coat (I can do all three in one step because they are still on the floor in the same place that I put them after my last gig)
6. Stop watching the golf tournament
7. Walk to the car
8. Go back inside and get the trombone you forgot
9. Stop watching the golf tournament
10. Double check to make sure you have everything
11. Drive to the gig
12. Take the trombone out of the car
13. Walk inside
14. Unpack the trombone
15. Check on the golf tournament on your phone
    
16. Put on your tie
17. Sneakily check that the check is for the right amount
18. Play the gig

In only one more step, and with lots of bumbling, I have not only dressed myself, but have arrived at work, while the poor soldiers aren't even out the door.

There are certain habits that one must cultivate in the military in order to survive and thrive. Spc. McFlute has wondered, on paper, if she will, for instance, ever go back to calling the water closet a "john" or if she will refer to it as a "latrine" for the rest of her life. She wonders if she will ever cross her limbs again as she sits (or stands). She wonders if she will be able to answer questions with more than a "yes" or "no." Mr. Spc. McFlute might enjoy that...for an hour or so.

As always, Spc. McFlute (and Mr. Spc. McFlute) are thankful for your prayers, cards, and letters. If you need an envelope please let me know. The going rate is one cookie/envelope.

If I didn't see it with my own eyes...

Great news!
Spc. McFlute was given an opportunity, based on her membership in "The Band," to test out of Basic Training early.
SHE PASSED!
Spc. McFlute is officially finished with Basic Training and will head back to Dallas tomorrow. We will accelerate our move to DC to the beginning of May. This is all happening very quickly, but we are EXCITED!
In order to have the remainder of training waived, Spc. McFlute had to complete the Exit Level Fitness Test, run an obstacle course, demonstrate a properly worn uniform, pass a test covering basic military history, first aid, and tactics, and qualify on the M16A. She didn't break any records, but she got it done!











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April Fools.




I know, nobody was fooled.
Well, maybe one or two of you were, but you probably won't admit it.


Back to real life...

I spoke to Spc. McFlute on Friday AND Saturday (AND she was able to call Mom and Dad McFlute on Sunday) and was able to get an idea of what things were like for the first few days. That is also when I received her address. That kind of phone frequency is definitely NOT the norm.

Spc. McFlute arrived on Wednesday evening and immediately began processing. Processing (paperwork, including starting the pay, uniform issuing, including birth control glasses (really ugly military issue glasses), etc.) was finished at 0400 (4 AM), at which time Spc. McFlute and co were sent to bed and told to re-form at 0415 (15 minutes later) for a full day of "stuff." Coincidentally, that day (Thursday) was Spc. McFlute's birthday.
Happy stinkin' birthday.
The biggest annoyance (so far) is the incessant talking and general cutting up from the younger, stupider members of Spc. McFlute's company. This, so far, has only resulted in lots of extra yelling, but will probably eventually mean push-ups or the like. Also, as I mentioned before, SPc. McFlute has had trouble sleeping. This is partially due to the same idiots mentioned above. I can only assume that these people will eventually wind up in a Due Processing Facility (the Army's version of a welfare check) in some unfortunate city somewhere.

Spc. McFlute says that this experience is, so far, the least favorite of her life, but that she is glad to go through it for the joy that will follow. I haven't spoken to her since the actual training began on Monday, but I imagine that in some ways her situation is better, and in some ways more difficult.
As always, thanks for your prayers, cards, and cookies (to me, not her)!
If you want an envelope, and live on the same continent as me, let me know. I won't even make fun of you very much.

CONTACT!

Here is Spc. McFlute's address (corrected 4-8-09):

McGinness, Elizabeth
C Co 1-61 INF
3rd Plt. Wolfpack
Fort Jackson, SC 29207

Please be sure that your envelope matches this exactly. I am told that failure to comply with this directive could result in the non-delivery of mail, or in push-ups for Spc. McFlute.

Also, please don't send food or the like. This is not allowed by the Army and will most likely result in punishment for Spc. McFlute and/or the rest of her platoon. If you feel the need to send cookies somewhere, I know of a lonely husband who could use a cookie or two...

Spc. McFlute specifically asks for prayer regarding her sleep. Sleep schedules are somewhat erratic at Boot Camp and Spc. McFLute has also had a little bit of difficulty falling asleep the last few nights. The more she sleeps, the better her life will be.

If you want to write, but are worried that you are too lazy/busy/lame/important/forgetful to address an envelope, let me know and I will mail you a pre-addressed envelope so that you can participate in "Operation Inudate."
Thanks for your friendship, prayers, and letters!